Top 10 Things for the Groom to Remember About the Bride's Shower

10. Women don't actually LIKE attending showers or spending money on gifts. But a long time ago, someone had the first one and no one is stupid enough to be a shower martyr and say "Enough!" Because the bride remembers all the showers she's had to sit through in the past (AND all the dough she's dropped on past shower gifts: it's her turn now!!!).

9. When you're told, "Stop by. It's no big deal. They just want to meet you." remember that it IS a big deal and they're scouring you for every flaw. They'll find flaws you didn't know you had.

8. Get this, the shower gift is IN ADDITION TO the wedding gift. Simply unbelievable. This makes women either far more generous or stupid than men. See, YOUR friends will go to great efforts to arrange a bachelor party to maul you in celebration of your upcoming wedding. A successful bachelor party has you cuddling up to the ER flatline. Women, on the other hand, give nice gifts. They even wrap 'em. When unwrapping, bust all the bows you can. It's a sign of verility.

7. For several weeks before the shower, hold kitchen items up in the air (ones you've had for years) and feign excitement. This will come in handy when you're unwrapping items that you'll never use because you have no idea what they even are. ( "Oh, of course you put candles in it!")

6. If you're supposed to make a "late appearance" at 2:30 for a shower that started at noon, figure you've hit the mid-way point, go have a few beers and come back at 5:00. They're nowhere near finished.

5. People are only really interested in seeing the bride open THEIR gift and then they go home (provided they've had their share of food and drink). So try to open all the gifts from the offensive people first.

4. If you're cocky in any respect, you're dead. Pals, this is a time when you pull the Hat of Humility down way over your ears and fumble around. Expect to be gently ridden for the duration. Smile, say what a lucky guy you are and behave. And stay cool. When you've opened the 30th serviing dish of the day and you suddenly realize that not only is all your bachelor stuff going to the garage sale box AND that suddenly your previously simple lifestyle is a page in history, suck it up.

3. Be strategically helpless. You don't want to be the village idiot (trust me, I've worn that crown), but you do want to be a little helpless. Serve the food, freshen the drinks, but don't be TOO good at it. For some reason, women like men to be good at domestic things but not too good. Haven't figured this out yet, just an observation (sure there are exceptions; I'm talking the rule.) Heat something up in the kitchen, but start something on fire while you're at it. Get it?

2. When opening gifts in front of 45 women, try not to use the old standby line " What in the Hell is THAT for?" The answer is that it goes around the base of the bed. It's called a sham. Rhymes with scam.

1. Practice this line " Oh, looooooooookk, a ______________ (bowl/pillow/dish/frame/vase). Isn't this just great?" and you'll survive.

Email: mark_mohler@hotmail.com

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